Three Things With Absolute Certainty
by musing11
Summary: This is kind of crack!fic-esque. But not insanely so. Like this could possibly happen on the show. A day in the life of Astrid, navigating Walter's craziness and Peter and Olivia's annoying UST. Suggestive themes, Peter/Olivia.


This came out of nowhere, takes place after "The Equation" but no real spoilers. Mildy crack! ficcy. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

By the end of that day, Astrid knew three things with a certainty that she had not felt since she decided to become an agent.

First, that Dr. Bishop needed his own assistant. Who could understand everything he was building. And monitor him. At every second of the day.

Second, that take-out menus and delivery boys should be used whenever possible. They were heaven-sent angels and should be treated as such.

And third, that no matter what kind of errand she was asked to run, be it for the good of the country or not, she was never, ever, leaving Olivia and Peter alone with Walter Bishop again.

******

The day had started out simply enough. Dr. Bishop was in manic mode; that usually meant a decent day. He would prance about the lab, fiddling around with this and that – annoying, but happy. There would be little to no yelling, and those were Astrid's favourite days. Quiet. It was a commodity now.

He'd asked for Thai food. Simple enough request, she'd supposed.

They had take-out menus for a few Thai places, but it was a nice day and she felt like a drive. Couldn't hurt, right?

Wrong.

Wrong a million times over.

She was gone maybe half an hour. Less, probably.

How one man could cause so much damage, horribly embarrassing emotional damage in _half an hour_ was beyond her, but it made sense that Dr. Walter Bishop would be the man for it.

She knew something was amiss before she'd even stepped back in the room.

Her hand at the knob, and she heard a crash. Not an unusual sound around the Harvard Lab, but when not met with a frustrated yell from Peter, a rare occurrence. What followed next shocked her more than her transfer to the program in the first place.

At first she couldn't place the sound at all. It was high-pitched and girlish...after a few seconds she was reminded of the word 'giggle'.

Only it sounded just like Olivia Dunham. And that was wrong on so many levels. Olivia didn't giggle. She'd been working as the woman's assistant for over a year now and not once had she ever, EVER , heard her giggle, especially when she was working.

Still frozen at the door, Astrid stared at the interior of the room, trying to discern what was happening behind the foggy glass. When that got her absolutely nowhere, she stood resolutely straight and, with Thai food under one arm and courage under the other, she walked in.

The sight that greeted her almost sent her straight back out of the room again, just on sheer embarrassment, but when she caught sight of Dr. Bishop, she knew immediately that she had to get involved.

He was sitting at the lab bench, quietly watching the output of a machine and making notes, utterly oblivious to the scene taking place in front of him, except for the fact that he had a very odd-looking camera pointed at it, which was recording...everything.

Astrid knew in that instant that she was never going to be able to take her co-workers, or the piano for that matter, seriously ever again.

Olivia and Peter were locked in, what looked to be from her angle, the most passionate and intense make-out session the world had ever seen. On top of the piano. With significantly less clothing than they should have been wearing at any point during the work day. And Dr. Bishop filming.

After a few unsuccessful attempts to look away, Astrid finally managed to make her way over to the senior of the two Bishops.

"Dr. Bishop...Walter?" She asked quietly, and when he didn't respond, she prodded him gently on the shoulder.

"Yes, dear?" If there was one thing that man was good at, it was looking innocent in the face of extreme and obvious guilt. Made sense that Peter had such a poker-face.

"Would you care to explain this Walter?" Best be direct.

"Oh, of course Orbit," he nodded happily, gesturing to the chart in front of him. "This is here is a bar for the serotonin – "

"No, Walter. Would you care to explain that," she pointed to the piano and the writhing figures on it. "That right there. Specifically those two people, who I know would not being doing _that_ in their right state of mind..., doing _that_."

"Oh...that." He looked almost apologetic for a second, and then it was gone.

"Well, after our encounter with the Christmas lights woman, three green to one red, the hypnagogic state – "

"Yes, Walter I remember. It was only just last week." Frustration was seeping into her voice – it was like pulling teeth with the man, and wasting time was not something she was too excited about at this point. Glancing around behind her, she whipped back almost immediately at the sight of Olivia sitting in Peter's lap, legs wrapped around him with a flexibility she hadn't know the woman possessed, while he attacked her mouth with a vigour that had absolutely no place in public.

It wasn't that she was a prude, nothing of the sort. Just sensitive, and strongly aware that these two were not the type who would want this happening in public, let alone on a camera. They were utterly and completely unaware of their surroundings, totally involved in each other. The dedication would have almost seemed romantic, had it not been for the setting.

"No need to get touchy Ashbridge dear...anyways, it reminded me of the work I was doing on hypnosis back for the advertising companies, and so I decided to recreate the experiment. I even asked Peter if I could, so I followed that utterly silly protocol of his and," he stopped for effect. "Peter said yes, so there's absolutely no reason to be angry with me." Good God the man was deviously vague when he wanted to be.

"Was he paying attention to you when he said 'yes'?" Dealing with Dr. Bishop was often like dealing with a less-than-honest child...he had a way of twisting things to make himself seem utterly faultless.

When he didn't respond, she added: "Was Olivia here when you asked?"

A nod was all she needed and he gave it to her, unwillingly – but there it was. Once this was all sorted, she was going to have a serious talk with Olivia about distracting Peter when he was supposed to be watching Walter. He had a tendency to become far more interested in the piano and FBI business when she was around. Stupid little schoolboy with a stupid little crush, leaving Astrid to clean up the mess caused by his distraction.

Sensing he was now free to move on with the explanation of his experiment, Walter continued.

"I started off with utterly random frequencies and colours, just trying to jog my memory a bit as to what did what. Olivia and Peter must have...somehow....gotten in the way of one of the tests, and when I looked up again, they were eyeing each other with that look they often possess when they think we are not watching...and then, well, you can see for yourself dear. I've even got a camera set up to record the experiment, it measures brain function, vitals etc. You can watch from the beginning if you'd like." He added brightly.

She didn't quite believe him, knowing Walter he'd specifically directed the experiment at them, but she couldn't prove it and she didn't want him spazzing out on her when Peter was...out of commission.

"No Walter. No. Can you please turn the camera off?" Visual evidence of this was not something she needed right now on her conscience. When he looked at her like she'd grown a second head, she sighed and carried on.

"Why didn't you reverse it when it happened, Walter?"

"Two reasons, good reasons too, my dear. I have grown sick and tired of the tense atmosphere that they exude whenever they are around each other. I believe it is referred to 'unresolved sexual tension'. It grates on my nerves, you see. Very distracting – and Peter refuses to help me when she's here. I posit that if we let them, forgive the crude phrasing, 'go at it for a bit', then they'll work it out of their system and we shall have some peace for at least a week or two."

The idea of Walter Bishop demanding peace was one that almost made her laugh at the sheer hypocrisy, but she was stuck for a few minutes considering the validity of his argument. The tension between Olivia and Peter was becoming a bit aggravating, she had to admit. And now she had evidence it was having a negative effect on the team's work.

A second crash startled her out of her thought process. Turning quickly around, she winced inwardly as she realized Peter and Olivia had abandoned the piano in one fell swoop. After their fall, Olivia had ended up on top, which Peter was having none of, and the two were now madly rolling around on the floor, each trying to get the upper hand on the other, while still managing to remove pieces of clothing and grope desperately at each other. After a few seconds, Astrid noticed they seemed to be moving only in one direction and then it became readily apparent that they were making their way, albeit slowly, to the couch.

Which she would now never be able to sit on again.

"Second reason Walter, second reason."

"Oh yes. I have yet to figure out _exactly _what it is I did to them. I think the sequence has removed all inhibition, much like the overconsumption of alcohol, however I cannot be sure until I have completed this test." He finished, gesturing to the equipment and the readout. So the camera wasn't just for strange, scientific voyeurism. She felt a little better at that thought.

"So we're just going to um...leave them to it? Right out here in the lab?" She asked, still unsure of whether she was even okay with this course of action.

"Well yes," he sounded puzzled by her lack of commitment to the plan. "I really cannot see any way of fixing it otherwise...You may want to call Mr. Broyles and tell him not to stop by today. I think it would be for the best."

Extremely relieved that she knew on good authority they had no real case that day, Astrid deposited the Thai food on the counter for Walter and walked straight back out of the lab, intent on a very long walk around the campus. She had absolutely no interest in being the one to explain to Olivia and Peter what had happened; Walter and his _tape_ could do that just fine.

Maybe she would take tomorrow off, avoid what was sure to be the most awkward situation of her entire life.


End file.
